8 Important tips to help you waste time in meetings

Since most of us need time to waste, I thought it would be beneficial to my blogging audience to provide eight tips you must, must, must incorporate into your meetings. They are legend in most meetings and will help you waste as much time as possible, I guarantee it! 

1. Invite everyone. We all need to time to waste, and you wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings by not including them. However, be careful about inviting people who might try to accomplish something during the meeting. On the other hand, make sure you invite people who tell good jokes, like to goof around and are generally entertaining.

2. Don't start the meeting until everyone has arrived. Starting a meeting on time would be rude to those who are late. Plus starting a meeting late helps everyone feel more comfortable about being late next time, which almost assures you will start the meeting late everytime.

3. Never, never, never have an agenda. Agendas create structure that can stifle tangents.

4. Leaders should do most if not all of the talking. Since the leader knows best, it makes the most sense that he or she talk the most.

5. Only those with "good" ideas should provide them. Anybody who submits a "stupid" idea should be laughed at, mocked and generally spit upon.

6. Give people freedom to "multitask" during meetings. Let everyone know at the start of the meeting that if they need to do other things such as texting, reading email or answering calls to go right ahead. It will make the meeting all the more productive for everyone.

7. Never make assignments. Assignments mean work will need to be done.

8. Never end a meeting on time. Doing so means you didn't apply items one through seven above!

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Mike Rogers

Comments

[Michael]

Great comments Mike! I especially like the starting on time..a big pet peeve of mine.

If I showed up at the correct time, why punish me by waiting for the late arrivals? My philosophy has been to make sure that the late arrivals have missed something.

[Stuart]

Another great thing to do is find out what TVs are in the room and get a secret remote control to turn them on every once in a while. I had a friend with remote codes on his wrist watch and would do this when meetings became too boring...yeah kind of a nerd.

[Mike Rogers]

Thanks for your comments Michael and Stuart!

I like the idea Stuart. I use to have someone in the meeting send me text messages during the meeting as well. That works too!

Michael, I couldn't agree with you more. I hate it when people waste my time by waiting for others who are late. Or even worse in my book is to start over and update the late arrivals!

Mike

[Bill Chapman]

Good refresher course. But, how do you "generally spit upon" someone?

[Mike Rogers]

Thanks Bill. "generally spit upon" is more like a spray rather than a specific spit ; )

Mike

[Dewoun]

Another good one....don't ask anyone to silence their PDAs or cell phones, so when they ring or alert that there is a message or call they can answer it while in the meeting.

Dewoun
The Office Professionals Place
http://adminhotspot.blogspot.com/

[Jeff Kahne]

OUTSTANDING! I knew I was doing something wrong -- who knew!

[Ron LeVan]

Mike - thanks for a great laugh - well done!

[John Prpich]

9. Don't recap any past meetings, that way you can keep talking about the same things from meeting to meeting
10. If your leading the meeting, read your mail to the group, good chance half the information won't apply and people love having you read your mail in front of them
11. Ask people for their opinions and then tell them what you were going to do anyway, that's a real great way to shut everybody up.
12. Never commit to anything, that way no one can be held accountable
13. Analyze the crap out of everything, that way you can avoid attempting implementation
14.

[Bill Ford]

1. Have the meeting between 8 and 5.
2. provide seating.
3. provide drinks, snacks or a catered meal.
4. Include consutants or coaches.
5. No RSVP required.
6. Make it daily or weekly or otherwise make it an institution.
7. Avoid assignments and anything specific with date requirements attached.
8. Never assign responsibility for anything.
9. For god's sake never keep a record or minutes.
10. Make sure attendance is mandatory.

[Mike Rogers]

Thanks to everyone for your comments. This post was a lot of fun to do.

Dewoun, I think you make a great suggestion. Nothing like the sound of cell phones going off during meetings. It makes it sound like everyone is more productive : )

Bill and John, excellent suggestions! With everyone's suggestions, I am sure we can waste a lot of time.

[Ben]

How did you forget the circular argument ?
Have everyone repeat the same thing over and over again ad-nauseum without moving on to the next topic.

[Bonnie Rankin]

Excellent guidance, Mike! I might add that it's best if everyone is exceedingly hyper-polite so that two good things can happen: 1) alternative points of view are withheld until the post-meeting hallway conversations begin (otherwise there's the risk of improving any decisions made during the actual meeting), and 2)any self-indulgent ramblers or rantors in attendance can regale the captive audience without being nudged back on topic (a freedom which, I imagine, must be quite fulfilling).

[Bill Ford]

here is how I escaped all meetings. Stand up and say you have one question for the group. The question is why are making products or providing services that nobody wants at a price no one is willing to pay. You will never be asked back. Guaranteed.

[Lise Minovitz]

Here is another tip: Begin each meeting by asking all attendees to discuss how things are going in their personal lives for at least ten minutes each. Only after this topic has been exhausted is it permissible to get to the business of the meeting.

[Michael J Olson]

97. Be sure that everyone has their cell/iphone/blackberry on so the team knows who is important.
98. Hand out potato chips in small sealed bags.
99. Scatter extension cords around so people can plug in laptops

[Hari Thapliyal]

Wow, really great stuff. Thanks Mike for initiating this discussion and thanks to all the partipants for giving such a wonderful feedback that now we can make sure that no meeting succeed till we are in room :). Till now I was use to think where time goes, now I understood it.

[Shirley Lyons]

I have shared this with others, a couple who I thought would find the humor but are doing the right things and a couple who I had hoped would see themselves and make some changes. It really got those two fired up. One in the way I had hoped and one the opposite. He sent me an email telling me he was sorry he was wasting my time with meetings and that I was so unhappy. His response reinforced that he did see himself, he just doesn't want to change. Thanks for using a different way to get a point across. Those of us committed to learning have gotten that point.

[Mike Rogers]

The response to this post has been great. Thanks everyone! I love the additional ways to waste meetings, very funny.

[Michael Brown]

101. Make sure that when you have a brainstorm you get someone at the flipchart who can't spell, writes their version of what is being said, misses out items they dont agree with or understand and ensures that what they write can't be understood afterwards.
102. Actually do 101 for any item on a flipchart
103. Bring lunch into the room (preferably hot smelly stuff) half an hour before it's due so people's stomachs are screaming so loud they can't think. Use it to test Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory if you like.
104. For awaydays book a room between the kitchen and the dustbin area, and have the windows open nice and wide for when the dustcart shows up.
105. At the beginning of the meeting get everyone really nervous by doing "creeping death" introductions, ie start on your left and go clockwise around the room. No one listens as they are working out how many goes before it's their turn, and listening to their heart rate doubling.

Oooh, this has been really therapeutic. All of these are from personal experience. I feel better now! Thanks. Great topic. Watch out for a similar series I'm about to launch on Dysfunctional Meetings.

[Janna Rust]

Mike, I loved this post and have sent it out via email to a bunch of my friends and colleagues. To my pleasant surprise, I got even more enjoyment from all of these comments. LOL! I've got a meeting at 11:30 today. Maybe I'll stop by Taco Bell so I can eat it there....NOT!

[Johanna Faulk]

One of my absolute favourites is somebody with a PowerPoint show with at least 500 slides, each covered in 10 pt. font which they then proceed to read to us. We were ACTUALLY given a two-hour presentation on how to use the on-line purchase order!!

I was so bored, that I wrote the words the presenter was saying on the roof of my mouth with my tongue!

[Mike Rogers]

Okay, I am cracking up Michael. I especially like the creeping death introductions. Very creative.

I appreciate you sharing the post Janna. I have really enjoyed the comments as well. It has been a fun post.

Never said words with my tongue before Johanna, but I will try it some time. That is funny though, and I have sat through those types of presentations myself.

[Maxwell Pinto]

Some thoughts regarding meetings:

A large proportion of meetings waste a great deal of time and seem to be held for historical rather than practical reasons. Moreover, individuals can solve several crucial matters personally or upon informal consultation with others. However, meetings do help develop the group feeling—a sense of belonging to the firm and its employees.
A stipulated quorum may be necessary to ensure that the meeting is valid.
Functions of a Meeting
1. To define the team/group/unit who will attend the meeting
2. To help revise and update important business matters
3. To help understand the group’s interest and the individual’s actual, plus potential contribution to the same
4. To help make group commitments in line with the fi rm’s objectives

5. To help build and develop team spirit between those present at the meeting
6. To help individuals present at the meeting to ascertain their relative standings

What Type of Meeting?
The type of meeting depends on the areas of business concern to be addressed.
1. Assembly consists of at least one hundred people who listen to the speaker.
2. Council normally consists of between forty and fifty people, who may have questions and comments.
3. Committees normally consist of between ten and twelve people who may form a project team, board of directors, study group, subcommittee, or any similar size of group. We shall concern ourselves mainly with this type of meeting.

Meetings may be held on a daily, weekly, or other basis.
Prior to the Meeting
1. Define the objective(s).
2. Prepare—people who must attend, agenda with appropriate headings—such as “for information,” “for discussion,” or “for decision”—to guide members present at the meetings. Papers attached to the agenda should be precise and well presented.

The agenda should not be distributed much in advance of the meeting; otherwise, it may be misplaced. Items on the agenda should be arranged in order of priority. Mention the time at which the meeting is scheduled to begin and end; and if this exceeds ninety minutes, an interval may be necessary.

Election of a Chairperson
This is essential to direct the course of the meeting. When two candidates have equal votes, the temporary chairperson has the casting/decisive vote.

The Chairperson’s Duties
1. To start the meeting on time and encourage flexible seating arrangements
2. To thank the people for making him/her chairperson (i.e., placing their confidence in him/her) before taking the chair

3. To maintain order and ensure the success of the meeting by guiding the group with minimum intervention
4. To ensure that all sides have a fair hearing and to close the debate when no useful purpose is served by letting it continue
5. To be firm but tactful
6. To be objective and listen to their precisely worded views with an open mind
7. To read, sign, and date (at the start of the meeting) minutes of the previous meeting
8. To consider the points in order and ask any knowledgeable person to enlighten them on the subject(s)
9. When a good number of people have discussed the motion, the chairperson must put the question to the vote to gain the collective opinion of those present in writing/by show of hands
10. When any disorder arises, the chairperson can do one of the following:
.a. Extreme measure—close the meeting
.b. Alternative—adjourn for a definite period of time

The Administrative Assistant’s Duties
When the chairperson/committee decides that a meeting is to be held, the administrative assistant makes the necessary arrangements: notification by mail, advertising, etc.; hires the hall; and meets the required bills. All documents should be fi led and preserved for future reference.

I have a policy of distributing free abridged versions of my books on leadership, ethics, teamwork, motivation, women, bullying and sexual harassment, trade unions, etc., to anyone who sends a request to crespin79@hotmail.com.

Maxwell Pinto, Business Author
http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/Management-TidbitsForTheNewMillenium.html
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[Jen Endsley]

Absolutely have to start with the "good news" announcement from every member. Go around the room and ask each one if they have any good news to share. If they don't they must "pass" but you have to go back to them after going around the room. Make sure you make everyone say something and include seconds and thirds from those who have so much good news they'll burst if they don't express it. If there is someone who just can't think of one thing, ask them about their children/grandchildren and insist they show pictures around the room.