Practical Suggestions - How Leaders Can Keep their Cool During Conflict

Keeping a cool head during conflict can sometimes be difficult. Especially when it is perceived as or becomes personal. If you think there is a good chance there could be unhealthy conflict, here are a few basic tips that have worked for me.

1. Prepare. Think of every question that could be asked and your response to that question. Rehearse your responses out-loud. Rehearsing will help your confidence and calm nerves.

2. Stay relaxed. Keep your own voice calm and steady. Raising your voice will increase the chances of the conflict escalating. Once the conflict reaches this level you will have lost control, which will increase the likelihood that the issue will not be resolved at that moment.

3. Actively listen. Seek to understand first, and then to be understood. Really listen with an open heart. Genuinely consider the others point of view. Ask questions to clarify to ensure you understand.

4. Be firm. Restate what you heard, clear up any misunderstandings, and then stick to your guns. If something makes sense during the conflict, then of course, re-look at your position. However, don't become wimpy either. Being firm is probably one of the most difficult things to do during a conflict, especially when you are really trying to be reasonable.

No matter how you cut it, conflict is difficult. Most people either avoid it or seem to enjoy it (which might be worse than avoiding it). But it is part of leadership.

Do you have other tips for handling conflict that could help our blogging audience? Please share them by commenting below so each of us can benefit by your ideas. Thank you.  

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Mike Rogers

Comments

[Patricia Santos]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for sharing this valuable information, in a very brief and simple way you pointed the key points that a leader must care and improve to really stay calm in a conflict/negotiation.

In my opinion a conflict it's always a negotiation because we are dealing usually with different point of views, hence I can only add the win-win behaviour, which somehow it's implicit on your item 3. Actively listen.

Another tip, for the persons that are comfortable in understanding and reading the corporal language it's also to use it, not just to stay calm adopting postures that naturally leads to a relaxed state but also inducing the opponent to adopt them. A simple exemple it's if your opponent is idly try to give him something to the hands, this will force him to uncross arms which naturally leads to a more receptive behaviour.

Regards
Patricia Santos

[kare anderson]

Mike
Your advice is so practical and concrete - thank you. For more great insights on active listening read the book Just Listen.

Related to keeping cool, we often feel most tested when faced with "jerK" behavior so I've learned some lessons that may be helpful to others:
http://sayitbetter.typepad.com/say_it_better/2009/05/what-to-do-when-that-jerk-does-it-again.html

[Mike Rogers]

Thanks for your comments Patricia and Kare.

I like your suggestion Patricia on changing the posture of the other person to become more receptive. Have you tried this before with success?

Kare, thanks for the suggestion on the book.

Mike

[Joanna Bleau]

Hi, a simple suggestion in the moment of conflict works really well I find; at the moment you want to react either aggressively or defensively, take time to breathe in deeply, with your mouth closed, right down to your abodomen (as if you were smelling a flower), then let expel the air as if you were blowing out a candle, very gently. Just the time and attention doing this takes the sting out of the moment of anger or irritation.

Another trick is, as you feel the heat rising, to remind yourself very gently that the other person has a right to their point of view, even if it is opposed to yours. This simple point has sometimes surprised me with its power.

I've found with attention to both of these, I can sometimes unblock myself and allow alternative outcomes to emerge as both antagonists have a little more space to find a position that is less polarised.

[Miriam Kragness, PhD]

I can find no fault with your approach, Mike. Have tried to apply it myself and it usually works. Frankness is an asset, too; I'm willing to name the issue, and that usually deflates tension in the group. But maybe there's a flaw in my execution; because on a couple of occasions, an already heated person seems to become even more incensed by a calm and considerate response (he or she says so), at which point the only advantage I've found is to manage the audience's response to my behavior. Maybe for someone feeling a bit out of control, I remind them of their parent. Any other thoughts?

[Mike Rogers]

Thanks for your question Miriam. I think it is a good one. Maybe that person believes they are intimidating you a bit. The reality is some people will just be angry and the more they talk about it the angrier they become. There are just plain, fairly, hateful people out there. I think the last step for you would be the most critical in those situations - be firm and stay firm. But be calm and controlled as well and don't let your emotions take control. This is probably the hardest thing to do when someone is really heated and angry. The more calm and controlled you are, the less base the person's argument will have if they have lost control.

Something I would suggest as well is to just let them explode. Let them keep going until they run out of energy. Once they are done talking, just be silent for 30 seconds (will seem like an eternity) or so and just look at them in the eyes. Let the silence point attention to their unruly behavior. Then make your point. This will clearly demonstrate you are in control and their behavior is inappropriate.

I would be anxious to hear what others might do.

Mike

[Mike Rogers]

Joanna, I think you make some excellent some suggestions. The important thing is to seperate yourself from your gut reactions and have perspective.